Can you imagine what it would feel like, in your body, your mind, your LIFE, if you never experienced anything in you as ugly or shameful or unworthy? What if there was no experience in you any more of something too painful to bear? What if there was no more berating self-talk? Can you imagine it?
The heart on the storm sewer grate caught my eye, but then my eye was drawn down into the shadows and the murky water below. I had to let my eyes adjust to see what was there. And it occurred to me to take picture of it, because it was so interesting. But I had no idea how beautiful it was until I looked again at the photos. Holy WOW!
I couldn’t help but see the analogy to the consciousness journey, the life journey. By going into our content, our darkness, by softening into the constriction and the painful places we just don’t want to go, and by finally laying down judgment of ourselves and our experience, the gutters of our lives transmute into a brilliant avenue of divinity for the flow of the God-Love that we are. In my mind's eye I see a glittering avenue, paved with gold and diamonds, adorned with jeweled trees and with crystal lights beaming and streaming out of points in thin air.
I had the most beautiful realization the other day. I realized I no longer think any unloving thoughts to myself. The way I discovered the depth of this truth was during my recital. Toward the end, when my body and mind were tired, I had one of the biggest public memory slips I’ve ever had. A doubt entered my head in one of the songs that begins every section with the same words and then moves into different ones, and I thought, “Is this what comes next?” Right after that, I thought, “If this isn’t what comes next, I have no idea what does!” And by then I’d missed the phrase, and was standing looking helplessly at my pianist who continued to play the accompaniment. A few measure later I had reoriented, and leapt awkwardly back into the flow on a sudden high note (singing the word "cry," no less), the apex of a phrase of sweet text I'd completely missed: "and butterflies lift silken wings to catch a rainbow cry." And on we went. And the first thought that came to me as we went on, the very first one, was “I love you so much!” And the little part of me that in the past might have been the target of my criticism, my shaming, my inner meanness (the likes of which we visit on ourselves in ways we would never allow someone else to speak to us), turned toward my heart with a tiny, “you do?” and immediately came my answer, “Yes, I love you so much you are so brilliant and amazing and perfect and I just LOVE you!” And the two of us skipped happily on into the music, without giving it another thought.
I was so grateful for that “mistake,” that very public blunder, because it was an opportunity to visit shame or criticism on myself and instead I received an amazing flow of love. In reflection afterward, I realize I’ve been working on self-love for years. And I can see now that it is part of me, it is me, and that it will never leave me again. And... I just realized I snapped these shots on the day of my recital, when I was taking a morning meditative photo walk. How perfect is that?
And beyond the fact that I’ve chosen it, this new life isn’t mine because I’m special, or because I’m Christine, or for any other reason. It’s because love is what we are, and it’s our nature to return to ourselves. And now that I’ve seen it and know it in my core in me, I know I can share that path and truth with others, being a guide for them on their way back into their own beautiful, loving and brilliant hearts, and that makes me so joyful! Yay Us!!!! Yay GOD! YAY LOVE THAT KNOWS NO END!!!
And… I love you. The same way I love me. Because we are the same.
PS - I would love to hear your thoughts on this. How's your self-talk going?
And if you'd like to go exploring into this sweet, peaceful world of self-love, check out my website - www.ChristineElder.net
It's for all of us, this inner sweetness. I promise.
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